Skating Outfits Make Me Feel Fat

I know some people don’t take figure skating seriously as a sport. I think this attitude stems from the fact that in the popular imagination, figure skating is associated with femininity and/or gay men. Allow me to completely side step this controversial subject and also point out that to many sports aficionados, the sparkly costumes, make-up, and elaborate hair-dos undermine a sense of true athleticism. (Hmm, just let them try and axel or even a sit-spin.)

I love the bling. I adore crystals and sequins, georgette skirts, and shiny lipstick.  (I also adore gay men so I’m set.) Most figure skaters only dress up for shows and competitions. Practice session outfits consist of simple skirts, black leggings--it is always black--  warm-up jackets, and anything that feels comfortable and allows for movement. I am well-stocked in practice wear. It’s the competition outfits that give me conniptions.

I share a problem with the overwhelming majority of female adult figure skaters. If you are over 135 lb.s, possess boobs and hips, then skating dress designers consider you obese. Sizes Large and even Extra- Large are made for slightly plumpy stick insects. If you want to buy a dress, you’re out of luck.

Take a look at You Tube videos of adult skaters. Some of them sport amazing costumes, but almost all look homemade. That’s fine if you actually paid attention to your mother or took a home economics class and learned to sew.  After I had to glue together a peasant smock in Seventh Grade Home Ec., I gave up almost all domestic arts. Threading a needle or even putting a spool in a sewing machine is torture for me. It’s not gonna happen.

I spend inordinate hours on Google, looking for a reasonable dress. I’m right on the borderline between Skating Land Fat and Obese (i.e. quite normal, even healthy, in the real world) so there’s hope but most of the gorgeous costumes I find are out of my league.

Last year I feel in love with a dress that came in my size. It was slightly pricey but not over $300.00 so I bought it. Playing it safe, I ordered size Extra Large, which the designer claimed was analogous to size 8.  They lied! I had to shoehorn myself into the thing and felt squashed the whole time I wore it.

Since then I’ve added some pounds. I suppose I could lose some weight, but that effort would cut into my eating chocolate cake habit. Accordingly, I’m looking for a new dress.

What I’ve found out is that anything that may fit me is screamingly ugly. I’m talking about ugly in a 1970s rumpus room kind of way. Garish. Tacky. Further, nothing is age-appropriate. I don’t care how good looking you are, but not even Lady Gaga could pull off some of these monstrosities. No one over the age of nine should wear pink ruffles, polka dots, or pleather. If I’m distracted by the fact that you look like giant Juicy Fruit in your dress, how I can I take your skating seriously?

I went ahead and bought an unadorned black practice dress. Trying to learn to sew turned me into a competent and determined “gluer.” I’m buying some crystals and glue gun to sauce up my outfit.  It’ll be smokin’.